Being an adult is an interesting thing. My perspective on life has changed so much in the past few years.
My dear friend, Carol, shared a profound thought with me on Thursday.
We are a product of our upbringing and environment. But, as adults we ultimately get to decide if what we learned is what we want to believe. If not, we get to form our own opinions, and these opinions will dictate our future.
This made an immediate impression on me, but I had no idea how that thought would help me through the following evening. I'm not posting this to expose my family drama. That wouldn't be productive by any means. I just simply want to vent my thoughts and feelings in hope that it will help me cope with the situation. Sometimes when my brain is running 100 miles per hour, the only way to slow it down is to write.
Taking responsibility for your emotions is easier said than done, but this is exactly what I intent to do. Last night a felt a level of betrayal and pain that I have never felt before. I am proud of how I controlled my anger in the heat of the moment. (Although if I'm not screaming and yelling, my anger comes out in the form of tears. After 15 hours and my eyes were still swollen, even after icing.)
As I worked through the aftermath, I read that thought from Carol over and over. I am a very analytical human, I mean - that is what I get paid to do for goodness sake. I always try to find logic and reasoning in my emotions, especially when they are extreme.
I decided to give myself permission to be angry. I don't have to justify or explain it. I am going to allow myself to feel my emotions, and not feel guilty for it. And with that, I am prepared to take responsibility for the consequences.
As adults we are able to make choices that can, and will, effect those closest to us. Even if these choices are made with good intentions, the result can be devastating. I still remember the first time I learned my parents are human, and make mistakes. That is such a hard lesson to learn. Our entire childhood we are taught that "mom and dad are always right" or that we have to obey what they tell us to do. When they are exposed as human it feels like the whole foundation your life has been built around is falling apart.
As the dust settles and life returns to "normal" I'll hold on to the opinions and beliefs I've chosen. I'll allow my self to feel hurt and sad. Then I'll accept it, and work on forgiving. I won't let the choices that other make determine who I am. I'll focus on what I can control … me.
That is a hard lesson to learn -- that the only thing we can really control is ourself. We often cannot control a situation - we can only control our reaction to it. And the one bright, shining thing in facing severe problems is the lesson we always learn. Wish I had figured it out at your age.
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